Don't Drown Without a Sound
When I’m going through something serious, I tend to go into a mute, survival mode. A lot of times, I can’t really talk about it until I’ve survived it.
I think it happens to a good number of us. Those who were…
ABUSED BY PEOPLE YOU LOVED,
BETRAYED BY PEOPLE YOU TRUSTED,
LET DOWN BY PEOPLE YOU UPLIFTED,
REJECTED BY PEOPLE YOU ACCEPTED,
USED BY PEOPLE YOU GAVE YOUR BEST,
EXPOSED BY PEOPLE WHOSE SECRETS YOU KEPT,
ATTACKED BY PEOPLE YOU PROTECTED,
DECEIVED BY PEOPLE WHO PRETENDED,
Not once, but OVER and OVER.
The ABANDONED, SELF-RAISED, and UN-UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED.
We solve problems, endure hardships, and survive storms in a different way. Instead of seeking advice, we rely on instinct. We look back at what we’ve already been through and trust history to repeat itself. “If I just keep going, ‘this too shall pass.’” Instead of asking for help, we morph into machines that no longer need to sleep, eat, or breathe. We turn inward and depend on ourselves to do it all.
It’s not that we don’t want help. It’s not that we can’t see it’s too much for us. It’s not self-pity. It’s not bitterness. But the thought of another disappointment…the possibility of being let down…or hurt…or betrayed…or rejected again is just too much.
Trust me, I get it. I’m that person. And I didn’t ask to be. Life shaped me. It shaped me before I ever had a choice. When life turns serious, I go through the dark, tough times alone.
The raw, ugly reality is reserved: FOR GOD ONLY. Only He is allowed to know my mind. Only He can hear what is really in my heart. I only let Him see the crocodile tears that form in my eyes that I refuse to let fall down my cheeks.
But after 40+ years of living this way, it left me drowning - drowning without making a sound. We are not wired to do it all, be it all, alone. We are wired by God to depend on each other.
Lately, God has been working me into a new shape. It is honest. It is real. It has vulnerability. It depends on others. It admits it needs people. It is uncomfortable, because I’m not used to it. Yet, it feels good.
I need counsel. I need direction. I need wisdom. I need to believe I can trust someone. When times are tough, I need someone other than ME. As I allow God to reshape me, I see that He is putting my feet on the path to run into people whose intentions are pure. People He trusts, so I can trust. These people do exist.
And I am receiving them. I am opening my mouth. I am making a sound.
It feels good to sit with my mentor and be able to say, “I feel lost.” It feels good to admit I need to feel like I belong somewhere. It feels good to not be alone in the dark. It feels good to rely on people, even with the risk of mutual disappointment. It feels good to say, “I need help.”
So, I want to encourage someone else. Don’t drown. Make a sound. Make the decision to no longer depend only on YOU in tough seasons. Pray. Ask for help. Trust God to send the right people and receive them when they come.
We’re on this journey together!